The Ayden Chronicles
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
From snowy WA, a recap on losing Marayna
Amid the snow flutter here in snowy Washington, while baby Ayden sleeps soundly, I decide to publish the email I had sent to my family on December 16, 2008:
"I'm still filled with many mixed emotions right now, but I wanted to share with you what happened today, and over the course of the past 2 weeks concerning our Surprise baby#2.
I started spotting lightly 2 weeks ago. The doctor's didn't feel it was a cause for concern, but suggested no hanky-panky and relaxing as much as possible. Cramping occurred off and on, and my ultrasounds confirmed a strong fetal heart beat, although it was noted that the "baby house"--which we didn't understand at the time in Korean, meant the amniotic sac and/or placenta (not quite sure even now what they referred to exactly, but perhaps both) was small compared to the baby's growth. Though things are done in Korea a bit differently than the States, I visited several doctors for various opinions, ultrasounds and feedback.
For brevity's sake, U/S means ultrasound, H/B means heartbeat.
The U/Ss following showed a strong fetal H/B, and the baby was moving and normal. We did blood work, but there were no signs of abnormalties, and we had gone to 2 different hospitals.
About 3 days ago, the spotting progressed from pinkish/brown to dark red. While I stayed home with Ayden (now 14 months) Saturday & Sunday, and relaxed with my feet up, Ahsan and I decided to go into the doctor's the following Monday after work. That being yesterday for us.
At 6:30pm, the U/S showed a strong H/B, and the doctor gave me a shot of progesterone because he found a hemorrhage behind the placenta wall. I knew that it was bad news, but of course, the doctor felt positive that we could save the baby. I was definitely in shock, both confused (largely due to the language barrier) and naive as to the nature of this process--and especially as it came suddenly and without warning, and the possibility of losing our baby. I didn't understand this until later, but I realized, while looking at the U/S pictures later, the baby's position in the uterus had moved drastically.
I started getting contraction-like cramps only a few hours later; they were almost unbearable and we rushed in to the ER for an U/S at midnight. The doctor confirmed no H/B, and we lost the baby. I was checked in and stayed the night, hooked up to an IV and given fluids to make the miscarriage process easier.
At 3:25, our little Marayna--a name I had picked when we were pregnant with Ayden but didn't know the sex yet, came into this world prematurely, and we said our prayers and were able to give her a little goodbye funeral later this morning. In the nearby mountains, our favorite place to hang out on the weekends, we barried her underneath a pine tree.
It was the very moment in the hospital when I insisted to the Korean nurse she GIVE me my baby and held her that I realize just how PRECIOUS LIFE REALLY IS. Little Marayna was calm still inside the amniotic sac, and I wept uncontrollably. Literally, moments later, the mother-to-be in the room adjacent to me started going into labor, and exactly 5 hours later, the baby was born; I wondered if it was possible Marayna's passing had anything to do with another baby's chance at life.
Apparently, the hemorrhage behind the placenta occurred about 2-3 days prior to miscarriage, and so the placenta--and the baby--became dislodged from the uterine wall. There could have been any number of reasons why this happened: the placenta was not properly attached; the position of attachment was not suitable for optimal growth, placenta's disproportionate size, etc. etc. The doctor also seems to believe there was a problem with either the fetus' cranial growth and/or a defect in the heart. If the problem didn't occur now, it would have certainly occurred later. The other 2 hospitals I had visited (one actually being where we had Ayden, same doctor), made no reference to the size of the placenta/amniotic sac and/or growth problems with the baby--and yet reflecting on this entire process and reviewing the U/S pictures, there is a clear distinction between the first U/S picture, where the fetus was located, and the final U/S picture before miscarriage. It's just unfortunate that *I* find this out myself later, but by then, it was too late.
I am sorry if this email was depressing for you, but I felt it easier to let everyone know in one fell-swoop instead of repeating myself after coming home on the 20th---and risk also receiving baby presents. On the lighter side, everything is going as planned with our trip home to WA and LA, and I especially feel the need to get back "to normal" asap to help cope in the coping process."
Everyday gets a little easier, but in just an instant--if I let it--everything comes back to me, and I'm overwhelmed, flooded with emotions, pictures, feelings and sadness. Just like Ayden, little Marayna was a complete and total surprise--even more so than Ayden, and that's why it kills me to think of how she might have turned out, knowing how truly remarkable Ayden is. But taking care of Ayden the best way I know how, is helping me cope, not only with this loss, but with the residual anger that lingers because of it.
I miss my little girl, but I feel in my heart that God's got an even greater plan; to focus on Ayden now and getting back to Washington. It's been nearly 2 years since I last visited, and in February 2007 I broke the news to the family of my pregnancy with Ayden. Now on my return visit, I break the news of losing Marayna..... now, looking out the window, there is nothing that can be said after that sentence, except that the white, still snow helps me put everything in perspective: hope, sympathy, compassion, love, my little Ayden, and my dear, sweet little Marayna. I am so filled with love now, I can only hope time will help me heal from this.
"I'm still filled with many mixed emotions right now, but I wanted to share with you what happened today, and over the course of the past 2 weeks concerning our Surprise baby#2.
I started spotting lightly 2 weeks ago. The doctor's didn't feel it was a cause for concern, but suggested no hanky-panky and relaxing as much as possible. Cramping occurred off and on, and my ultrasounds confirmed a strong fetal heart beat, although it was noted that the "baby house"--which we didn't understand at the time in Korean, meant the amniotic sac and/or placenta (not quite sure even now what they referred to exactly, but perhaps both) was small compared to the baby's growth. Though things are done in Korea a bit differently than the States, I visited several doctors for various opinions, ultrasounds and feedback.
For brevity's sake, U/S means ultrasound, H/B means heartbeat.
The U/Ss following showed a strong fetal H/B, and the baby was moving and normal. We did blood work, but there were no signs of abnormalties, and we had gone to 2 different hospitals.
About 3 days ago, the spotting progressed from pinkish/brown to dark red. While I stayed home with Ayden (now 14 months) Saturday & Sunday, and relaxed with my feet up, Ahsan and I decided to go into the doctor's the following Monday after work. That being yesterday for us.
At 6:30pm, the U/S showed a strong H/B, and the doctor gave me a shot of progesterone because he found a hemorrhage behind the placenta wall. I knew that it was bad news, but of course, the doctor felt positive that we could save the baby. I was definitely in shock, both confused (largely due to the language barrier) and naive as to the nature of this process--and especially as it came suddenly and without warning, and the possibility of losing our baby. I didn't understand this until later, but I realized, while looking at the U/S pictures later, the baby's position in the uterus had moved drastically.
I started getting contraction-like cramps only a few hours later; they were almost unbearable and we rushed in to the ER for an U/S at midnight. The doctor confirmed no H/B, and we lost the baby. I was checked in and stayed the night, hooked up to an IV and given fluids to make the miscarriage process easier.
At 3:25, our little Marayna--a name I had picked when we were pregnant with Ayden but didn't know the sex yet, came into this world prematurely, and we said our prayers and were able to give her a little goodbye funeral later this morning. In the nearby mountains, our favorite place to hang out on the weekends, we barried her underneath a pine tree.
It was the very moment in the hospital when I insisted to the Korean nurse she GIVE me my baby and held her that I realize just how PRECIOUS LIFE REALLY IS. Little Marayna was calm still inside the amniotic sac, and I wept uncontrollably. Literally, moments later, the mother-to-be in the room adjacent to me started going into labor, and exactly 5 hours later, the baby was born; I wondered if it was possible Marayna's passing had anything to do with another baby's chance at life.
Apparently, the hemorrhage behind the placenta occurred about 2-3 days prior to miscarriage, and so the placenta--and the baby--became dislodged from the uterine wall. There could have been any number of reasons why this happened: the placenta was not properly attached; the position of attachment was not suitable for optimal growth, placenta's disproportionate size, etc. etc. The doctor also seems to believe there was a problem with either the fetus' cranial growth and/or a defect in the heart. If the problem didn't occur now, it would have certainly occurred later. The other 2 hospitals I had visited (one actually being where we had Ayden, same doctor), made no reference to the size of the placenta/amniotic sac and/or growth problems with the baby--and yet reflecting on this entire process and reviewing the U/S pictures, there is a clear distinction between the first U/S picture, where the fetus was located, and the final U/S picture before miscarriage. It's just unfortunate that *I* find this out myself later, but by then, it was too late.
I am sorry if this email was depressing for you, but I felt it easier to let everyone know in one fell-swoop instead of repeating myself after coming home on the 20th---and risk also receiving baby presents. On the lighter side, everything is going as planned with our trip home to WA and LA, and I especially feel the need to get back "to normal" asap to help cope in the coping process."
Everyday gets a little easier, but in just an instant--if I let it--everything comes back to me, and I'm overwhelmed, flooded with emotions, pictures, feelings and sadness. Just like Ayden, little Marayna was a complete and total surprise--even more so than Ayden, and that's why it kills me to think of how she might have turned out, knowing how truly remarkable Ayden is. But taking care of Ayden the best way I know how, is helping me cope, not only with this loss, but with the residual anger that lingers because of it.
I miss my little girl, but I feel in my heart that God's got an even greater plan; to focus on Ayden now and getting back to Washington. It's been nearly 2 years since I last visited, and in February 2007 I broke the news to the family of my pregnancy with Ayden. Now on my return visit, I break the news of losing Marayna..... now, looking out the window, there is nothing that can be said after that sentence, except that the white, still snow helps me put everything in perspective: hope, sympathy, compassion, love, my little Ayden, and my dear, sweet little Marayna. I am so filled with love now, I can only hope time will help me heal from this.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
One Year Old!
A year. Where did the time go? I just can't believe it!Our little prince has grown into a silly, bubbly, hum-along little guy, eager to canter outside, throw around his ball, or hug you and make you smile.
Sometimes I think he's 3 or 4 instead of just one!
So Happy birthday little Ayden bear... this next year is going to be so quick and wonderful, I can't wait to see what you'll learn next!
Always, xox Your momma
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